Time flies..... It has been more than a month since my mum left me. Sad as I am, I reckoned that it's about time to move on. I thrust myself back into work and tried to return to normalcy. I was raring to go. And true enough, I was able to repress those feelings, or so I thought. As soon as I slowed down, I was suddenly swept by the sense of helplessness. The whole thing just engulfed me with no mercy. I simply "spaced out" Recovery was harder than I expected. I'm still shedding tears. Was I so close to my mum? Then why am I so depressed? Some said that time will numb the pain, but it seems to be getting unbearable for me each passing day.
I keep telling myself there are people younger than me who are in more tragic circumstances and they learnt to pick themselves up. Why can't I? Well I believe I can. But I grief differently too. I will always remember all of her, her kindness, her devotion to us, her selflessness, her cooking! (Yes! I'm really gonna miss her home cooked food....) There is absolutely no doubt she is forever in my heart until the day mine stops.
How I hope that I am like those high achievers, high grades, successful careers, how proud my mum would be of me. Well, I am nothing like that. Or rather far from it! Sometimes I'm really looked down on myself. Would my mum be? Well... I got my answer. Her friends told me at the wake that she was very proud of me, that I have a stable career, a house of my own and given her a cute grandson, what more could she ask for? I was really really happy for her and for myself. Is it possible that I have done something right for once?
As much as I want to see her now, I know it's just not my time yet. I have to shift my focus now to my family and my father. I have to see to it that my son grow up to be a fine young man. I'm going teach him all the things mum taught me. I'll see to it that he will get the best of everything I could afford. I will fight on. I will hang in there for just a little longer.... I will give him all the love I have. Because I know mum is watching....
And when the time finally comes, I will be able to tell her that I have never ever let her down.
"Will you be waiting at the RAINBOW BRIDGE for me when my time is up, MUM?"