Wednesday, September 17, 2014

It's goodbye again...

When you were a kid, have you ever wish that your parents will never leave you? I did. Every night when I go to sleep, I pray that they will be with me forever. 

I could still remember when I was just a kid, there was one day,  I was jostled awake by a nightmare. In there, I dreamed that my mum has passed away. I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen, tears in my eyes.

I would expect to see the usual scene of her standing over the stove and preparing breakfast like any other day. But on this day, she wasn't there. I panicked. I cried. Where is everyone? Where is mum? For that moment, I feel so alone in this world. And for that first time, I was totally helpless. 

Then I heard the familiar sound of the front gate opening. I raced into the living room. 

And there she was, standing in the doorway. And she bought breakfast for me. It was a comforting sight. I wiped away my tears and banished that frightening thought into the depths of my imaginary black hole.

"I was that young and naive." 


.........

She was muttering something that I cannot understand. I grabbed her hand tightly. I know for the first and last time, this is goodbye. I cried and cried and begged her not to leave me. For that moment, I lose all of myself, my dignity, my pride. I would have given up anything for her.

She looked up and closed her eyes. And at that very moment, my heart died. Heart broken,I revert back to the child I was. I wanted her to wake up. To tell me everything was fine. To tell me she will be back.  

Alas, reality is always harsh, it is cruel and merciless. This is probably life. And this is goodbye. 

...........

"Daddy".  My daughter called me for the first time. And I cried. I struggled to contain the emotions that are threatening to erupted after being bottled up for so long. She deserves to be here. She should enjoy every moment of this, not me. The pain in my heart was unbearable. She was the greatest, just like my wife. The sacrifices they made cannot be undermined.  And I know that,

Today. 


All I can do to connect with her is to pray. Pray that she's well and happy. And wish that she is in the good company of families and friends. 

"I haven't dream of you recently. Perhaps you are busy. Perhaps... you have left us for good. All I can do is to remember your teachings and your unyielding love for us. It is always hard to let go. Because love is what that binds us. This bond will never broken. Hopefully, when I'm done, I can see you again. But if you need to go to a better place, please go. I just want you to be happy."

Goodbye again, mum...  

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