Downcast

For the past two months, it's all rainy and cold. When I looked out of the window, I always see dark clouds looming in the horizon. Somehow, I find this very comforting but at the same time, I feel a void so vast that I'm afraid I will cave in.

After all this time, I finally realised something, time does not lessen the pain of losing your loved one, it merely buries it deep down in the recesses of one's heart. Sometimes these emotions will burst out and as if the floodgates have opened suddenly. These raw, crippling and negative feelings hit me with the such force , it might as well be a tsunami. I felt that I was stuck this endless cycle of the day I lose my mum, over and over again. I find it utterly pointless to cry now. In fact, I think I ran out of tears.

I think missing someone is really tough. Every single night when I lay on my bed, I keep blaming whoever is up there for taking her away from me. I really wanted her to be with me at every point of my life and my son's. I always wanted to hold her hands but never dared to...

Now I only have memories of her. But I am frightened that as I grow older, they too will fail me... Life is cruel. She has never ask for much, she has never complained. She endured great hardships in her younger days. And in the end, what did she get? If I say it is unfair, then I am being inconsiderate to many people who are much more unfortunate than her and still suffering. But I am not that noble. I just want her back...

Well I have already made up my mind. I'm pretty sure she is waiting for me somewhere. When I am done here, I will gladly go to her. In time,yes but not so soon.... I have to go to work tomorrow... (...sian 1/2...)