Thursday, June 5, 2008

Strange but wonderful

Something mystifying happened to me last night. I do not know what happened but it was the best thing that ever happened to me ever since my mum has passed away....


At about 11.30pm I went to bed as I was tired. After sleeping which I felt was a long time, I woke up suddenly at 2 am for no apparent reason, I forced myself back to sleep only to wake up yet again at 4am. But this time, I sense something, the whole room felt alive and I distintively felt a presence. Feeling confused rather than scared, I stared at the surroundings for awhile and before I realised , I dozed off again.


Then it happened..


I was back in my old home in my bedroom shared with my sister. My wife was with me, so is my sister and my dad. I was quarrelling with my sister over a bag (which seemed pretty childish). Well, the usual tantrums we threw. My dad was enthusiastically showing me some gadget like he always do. Everything was like the past. Normal.


At that moment, I felt at ease, somewhat contented.


Then we were at the doorway preparing to go out. I slipped on my flip-flops and when I looked up, there SHE is! MUM! She looked so cheerful and healthy sitting by the doorway! I guess I must have looked pretty stumped because she told me and I remembered those words, "God has given me a chance to come back for a day". Then I did something I have never done in my whole life, I ran forward and hugged her...


I did not want to let go. I was joyous. I was crying.


I shot out of my bed suddenly. It was a dream but it was oh so real. "She was here" I thought to myself, "I knew she was".


I staggered to my feet and observed my room. Everything was serene and quiet. My wife and son was fast asleep as well. And I realised something too, I felt an inner peace that I never experienced before. All the resentment, sorrow, guilt and despair that was with me for a long long time have disappeared at that moment. I felt a tremendous weight being lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in my life, I felt "myself".


I couldn't wait and frantically shook my wife awake to relate my "encounter" to her. I have never had a dream that I could remember every single detail! To me, this is magical. I am a skeptic when it comes to anything paranormal or supernatural, but what happened to me really shook the very core of my being and my beliefs.


"Your mum has come to give you a wake-up call" says my wife. "You looked like a zombie ever since she's gone". I cannot help but to agree with her because something removed the shackles burdening my heart.


I finally realised one thing though. I have not forgiven myself ever since she passed away. I felt like the whole world has crumbled and everything was meaningless. I tried to be happy and even went be more open, laugh and smile more often, be cheerful rather than gloomy and to be more talkative. But all this while I was putting up a charade, I am lying to myself, mentally and physically torturing myself with all those sleepless nights, depressing thoughts. I looked at the past entries of my blog and was rather surprised how down I was.


I was wondering why doctors could not find a cause for my illness. Frankly, I think I have self-destructed. I was basically killing myself slowly. I did not want to let go nor do I know how to.


Finally, a very good friend of mine recently asked me this question, have I "stepped out of it". That question struck me like a thunder bolt. "Have I?" was my thought. I supposed I have, I was burying myself with work and did a lot of activities. I even forced mysef to join the gundam competition even though I know I was not up to it. All this while I was a big liar, to myself...

I guess my mum thinks that it's about time for me to snap out of it and she could not have find a better time to intervene, I was feeling really down and have lost direction at work and family life. My judgments was clouded and I have simply no goals in life.


Well, thanks to some divine help from her, I am feeling better now, my mind is clear (although I still have worries at work) and I am more focused.


I still miss her a lot but all feelings of guilt and regret has diminished. Recovery is not completed yet and I sincerely believe the rest is up to me.


My mum has did her part, so now is my turn. With the support of my family and friends, I will make it. I do not want to break my mother's heart again...


(I felt really awkward writing this but I just have to share with the visitors here this strange tale of mine...)


Kenny

10 comments :

Wonderful to say the least. I'm happy to read that you've finally arrived at the turning point of this ordeal. I wish you many more wonderful experiences in life and I look forward to more of your masterpieces in this new light.

Cheers.

Cheers on to your marching road. =)

am just a random passer by to your blog but glad to see u're back on ur feet.
u'll make better gundams too ya? (not that its not good enough, but better!)
Cheers!

Who would want to see their own kids self destruct? Don't give up on life, that is the one most precious thing that your mum gave you. You have finally pulled through :) cheers.

Thanks, I guess it was a valuable learning process for me. The lesson call "Life". As much as I miss her, she is not there anymore. What I could have done, I did to the best of my ability for her. I have to move on, my mum has given me the clearest sign ever. I would be unfilial if I ignore that. So I have to continue my journey. Yes, its still hurts but I am more at ease with myself now.

late is better than never...
we know you can made it, you still have your own family... cheers, dude!

hi there, I'm a gunpla fan from JB, currently studying in Melbourne right now and I truly enjoy reading your blog.

It's a very touching story you have there, reminds me a lot of Mitch Albom's "For One More Day", a novel which never fails to bring tears to my eyes. It makes me miss my parents even more, especially when I'm overseas and both of them are back home in JB.

Greatest condolences, and here's hoping that you can pick up the pieces and keep on walking.

Nice post...this is the first time ever that i cry for real just by reading all the post about your mom.Well,cheer up...as everybody had told you...Don't give up.by the way,continue your hard work on your gunpla^^.Sob..Sob..

Thanks Billy!

I still miss her terribly. My wound felt like it is just yesterday. But I will survuve :)

I believe I slacken a but recently. Got to find some interesting projects to keep me going man!

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