In my younger days, Chinese New Year (CNY) is always something I look forward to. You get to wear new clothes, eat lots of goodies and best of all, collect red packets (Ang Baos). And it is also the time when you catch up with your cousins and other relatives. Those were the good days. Carefree and happy.
However, times have changed. I don't feel that enthusiasm in the air anymore. The joyful feeling of anticipation and waiting for CNY has faded over the years. The streets are more quiet, I guess lesser people do visiting now. No children running about playing fire crackers and hide and seek. The neighborhood is quiet.Very deserted... Very lonely...
I just realized I have never keep in contact with any relatives even when one is just blocks away. I am ashamed of myself of course. Thought that I should put in more effort... But I am the weirdo who keep to myself and they call me anti-social. And no, it has nothing to do with this hobby, I assure you :)
I want to show my son about the Chinese customs but it dawn on me I know very little about our culture. I am beginning to feel that we are deviating too far away from our roots. I used to dread going to temples because I felt that it was a waste of time etc. Now I feel that I am part of this culture, something i am proud of. If only my mum is still here. I would never disappoint her for not going to the temple with her. I wouldn't... Now all I can do is to visit her at the temple. Whenever I am there, I would sit in one corner hoping she was beside me and knowing how much I miss her.
At the table during reunion dinner, I would stare at the seat she will be sitting. Memories keep flooding back. These dinners are not the same without her anymore.
I have moved on. Not that I have a choice. Everyone has a role to play and I have to play mine dutifully. And I will go on as long as it takes.
Once again. Forever I miss you. mum...