This Mother's Day...

Mother's day has always been a mixture of joy and sadness even since you left. They say time will heal everything. But I can tell you it doesn't. It only acts as an anesthetic, it numbs the pain, it makes you feel better. But when it comes, it rips you from the inside. the void that she left returns in an instance. The guilt, the disappointment and the despair. All at once. 

It is so hard to move on. But I know I have to. Simply because I need to go on with life, time do not wait for anyone. There are people to love, to take care of and many things to accomplish. 

I tell myself to be braver, to be stronger. But you know, I feel that you are your bravest and strongest when you have your mum by your side. That there is nothing to be afraid of, no adversary too formidable, no hurdle you can't cross. 

I was typing this when this song has to be come up, Sam Smith's "Lay me Down". Well, it must be a coincidence cause it rained suddenly when the skies was clear. 

I will take a minute to recover. And then, I will have to move again. 

"Time may not heal the pain, but it brings me closer to the day I will meet you.

Happy Mother's Day, Mum...."

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It's goodbye again...

When you were a kid, have you ever wish that your parents will never leave you? I did. Every night when I go to sleep, I pray that they will be with me forever. 

I could still remember when I was just a kid, there was one day,  I was jostled awake by a nightmare. In there, I dreamed that my mum has passed away. I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen, tears in my eyes.

I would expect to see the usual scene of her standing over the stove and preparing breakfast like any other day. But on this day, she wasn't there. I panicked. I cried. Where is everyone? Where is mum? For that moment, I feel so alone in this world. And for that first time, I was totally helpless. 

Then I heard the familiar sound of the front gate opening. I raced into the living room. 

And there she was, standing in the doorway. And she bought breakfast for me. It was a comforting sight. I wiped away my tears and banished that frightening thought into the depths of my imaginary black hole.

"I was that young and naive." 

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How long will I love you?

Mother's day came and gone. That night, I kept holding on to the photo. I ask myself, "how long?" How long do I have to carry this burden? The burden of losing someone dear. I been keeping myself busy to starve off these moments, making them few and far in between.

But you know, sometimes, just sometimes, you have to face the reality. 

So how long will I love you mum? As long as I don't have to lose you.

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Memories

I walked past the store. And this lady peeked over the counter. "Noodles for you, young boy?" I looked up and thought that she came back. She resembled someone I miss dearly.

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There she goes again...

It has been a long time since she came to me in my dreams. I was just thinking about her the other day. So caught up with life that I have little time for her. Come of think of it, maybe I have moved on (whatever that means)... Well until last night.

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Happy Mothers' Day, mum..

All I can give you are roses.That is the only thing I can do... 

Every year this day, I am always moody. Because I have been missing someone. I decided to pay her a visit with both my kids. I bet that she misses them. I miss her too. Almost five years have passed since she moved on, but it still feel like yesterday. Some days I wake up, feeling a void in my heart. I dread that. I hate it. But you know, you can't help it. Gradually I will learn to overcome it. Clinging on desperately to my memories of her, I hope that they don't fade with time like those old photos. Deep down, I have been blaming myself not doing more for her. But I acknowledge that nothing I do is ever enough. The feeling of helplessness is suffocating. I guess this is Life.

Well, since my sister came as well. I thought we could have a photo shoot for the two little princesses. I believed "she" was there just now watching over us. Hopefully, many many years from now, I will be able to see her again... 

To all of you, if you like your mum, love her, if you love her, love her even more. Don't ever hold back... 

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It's raining again...

Today is my mum's death anniversary. I woke up early as my family were planning to pray at the temple. I looked out of the window and the weather, gloomy, just like last year. It's certainly a reflection of my mood.

By the time I reached the temple, it was raining cats and dogs. Standing in the rain, I looked up at the heavens expecting an answer. "Why?" I asked. Why make me go through all this? The wind felt like ice, so cold it hurts. No answer, nothing. Just the wind howling.

It is so unreal. Like a sad movie that keeps on playing, and I am in it. Four years. Time has done little to heal the pain. I looked at my sister and I know that she is going through the same thing. Both of us want some answers, maybe some comfort or maybe ,just want to be with her again. It's good to be caught in the rain. At least she can't see my tears. I noticed that her eyes were red too.  

I shared this song with my sister a few days ago. I thought the lyrics are very meaningful and touching. A very nice song.... 

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This month...

You know, when I was younger, I used to dread the seventh month which is also known to many as the Ghost Festival. This festival is celebrated by all Chinese in many countries. It is widely believed that ghosts and spirits are allowed to roam freely for this month. The deceased will visit the living. During this month, Hell money and food among other stuff were offered to these wandering spirits. Chinese operas and "Getais" (like a concert) will be performed to entertain these spirits. Chinese temples will be abuzz with activities. 

I could still remember my mum would diligently preparing the offerings before the festival and gave my a lecture on what not to do during this month. Things like stepping on offering on pavements, spitting, swearing is a no-go. The list goes on. To me, this month means I had to be extra careful when I am out. The usual route you take going home suddenly looked sinister. Shadows start  to play tricks on your eyes. It's like the situation is constantly tingling with anticipation and adventure. Yup that's me when I was very young. And with incense and joss paper burning, the whole neighborhood looks gloomy and eerie (fun). 

Fast forward 15 years to today, things have changed. Our society becomes more affluent and such customs  are not practiced anymore. Burning joss paper and other related customs are frown upon. 

You know, I really miss those days. Where my mum will be on "high alert" and constantly fussing over my nonchalant attitude. Yes I enjoyed the attention :) 

It saddens me that She is not with me anymore. I really miss her. Crazy as it sounds, but if this is the month she can visit me, I sincerely hope she does. I wish that I can see her again. Four years since she passed on, and there is not a single day I am not thinking of her, tears are meaningless to me now. If you ask me, I would probably do anything just to see her one more time. 

Meeting a ghost? Nothing much to worry really. After all, the living can cause more harm than the dead... .

Kenny 

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A little comfort..

Today is a special day. No, it has nothing to do with the results of the General Election in my country. It's even more important than that. It's Mother's day.

Not that I can celebrate this day with her, for she took permanent leave to rest. But today and for many years to come, I will wish her Happy Mothers' Day.

"I owe her" and I can't repay her. There is nothing much  I can do but to accept it. "That's life". Yes, it's harsh, cold and cruel. But, "That's life".

I was brought back to 1990, I was eleven. It was about noon and school has finally finished. I was playing with a few friends when we got into an argument over some childish reasons. But one of them decided to throw an insult about my mum.

I went berserk. I could have beat that jerk to pulp if I could. But before anything could happen, someone pulled me away almost immediately. I looked up irritated and she was looking down at me. "There you go again." I had none of it. I started spewing vulgarities at that bunch as she pulled me towards the gate. 

On the way back, I keep asking her why she pulled me away or else I could have trash them. To which she asked, "didn't you just scold their mums as well?" That answer stumped me for awhile. "They started it first, I was trying to protect you.." 

"That is no excuse for you to go insulting other people's mothers, that makes you no different from them." 

"Well, I...I...." (kept quiet) 

It was a valuable lesson. My temper has always been my bane. It usually takes me less than a split second to erupt like a volcano. Most of my friends knows it, some even dreads it. And my mum has been by my side "cooling" me down all these years. Well, I am the chip of the old block. 

Today, I held on to the carnation I bought for her specially. I seldom buy her flowers because I thought they were pointless but not anymore. I told her I miss her and miss her a lot. I thanked her for standing by me all these years and sacrificing herself for the family. "Because of  you, I am forever in debt."   

"After my job is done, I will find you whatever it takes,where ever it takes me, no matter how long, I will FIND you." I promise her that today. 

To all you guys out there, if you have not, do it today. Tell your mum you love her, and thank her for all that she has done. I did not get to but at least you guys have a chance... 

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This Chinese New Year

Another new year, but the same old story. Everyone is in festive mood and the kids are especially happy. I used to be excited about Chinese New Year. But somehow, things changed when mum left us. This afternoon, I went to the temple to pay my respects. As I stood to pray, sweet memories came flooding back. I told her how much I miss her. And if there is ever a chance that we are reunited, please do not leave us again. 

The day you left, a part of me died with you;

The world seems so cold and harsh without you;

I have lost my drive, direction and purpose;

I longed to hear your voice and see your smile again; 

I can think of you but memories are intangible and they fade with time;

I am trapped in this vicious cycle of despair and sadness with no end in sight;

If not for my wife and kids, I fear for the worst;

I know that there are people out there who are worse off but that doesn't make the pain any lesser;

I will go on...

"If you take someone for granted, now is the time to reflect. Because if he or she is gone, you will take a lifetime to regret." Go on, tell that person how much you love her/him and grateful for everything he or she did. Say what you mean, it must come from the bottom of your heart. 


Go on, you can do it... 

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A new family member, a new beginning

We wanted 10 October 2010. But I guess little Ashley couldn't wait to see the world. 

Saturday morning. After fixing my Gundam at 5 am, I went to sleep. An hour later, I noticed my wife sitting up on bed. I immediately knew that the first contraction had came. Having slept for less than an hour, I was dis-orientated but knew what I have to do. We quickly get dressed and have one good look at my son before heading out. 

Below my block, I was hoping that I could get a cab in the wee hours of the morning. The moment I stepped out of the road, this Mercedes cab appeared. Talk about a grand entrance! 

Anyway, we reached the Medical Center at 0630 hours and by the time all administrative stuff were through, it was 0733 hours. Now the long wait begins... 

 

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Time and time again

Today is the 3rd anniversary of her death. I have taken leave to pray at the temple. At the void deck, I looked up at the sky, it was gloomy, overcast. It reflected my mood perfectly. 

Three years. But it still feels like yesterday. The pain is still very apparent when I looked at my sister. Unwanted reality sets in. Mum is forever gone. However she has never left my mind since that fateful day. She is the first person I think of every morning when I am conscious and the last person I "see" before I sleep. I have a photo of her with me in my younger days saved in my phone and I will look at it when I am feeling down .Somehow it always relieve my pain and frustrations even if it is temporary.

(I am still in complete denial. I still miss her.) 

Sometimes, I ask myself, why do I want children and then make them go through the pain when we die? It seems heartless. On the other hand, I thanked my parents for giving me a shot at life. If not for their selfless sacrifices and perseverance, I can't imagine where I will be today. 

Now, it is my turn to do that. I may not be the perfect father but I will certainly try my very best for my son, Reyes and very very soon, my daughter, Ashley. Welcome to the family, my little girl :) 

As I looked at her urn, I made her a promise. If she can wait, please give me time. When I fulfilled my duties as husband and father, I will join her and resume my duties as her son. That is the only thing I ask for. 

It's beginning to pour outside. Could she be crying for us? Because we are.... 

Never Alone

by Rodney Belcher

I feel you in the morning When at first I awake Your thought is with me With each decision I make You'd been around forever Since the first breath I took Now I have to go on alone But for love, I need not look Cause by what you bestowed In our short time together Will last in my heart Forever and ever Although you've left And now walk above I'm never alone I'm wrapped in your love Enjoy now your long waited reward Feel peace that your love continues on What was taught to me, will be taught to mine Cause you live on in me even after you've gone

  

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Thanks...

On the 15^th of the Seventh month, my sister had a dream. In her dream, she saw my mum sitting in her room surrounded by people whom my sister could not recognize. She was chatting happily with them. Oddly, she approached her and asked whether she has received all the items we "burned" to her, she nodded but there were no reaction when she asks about the subsequent offerings. That was when she woke up. Naturally, I am upset after she told me what happened and was pretty much pre-occupied by it the rest of the week. I have also heard that offering do not reached the loved ones after the first time. Although I see myself as the practical type. I can't help but think what we could have done wrong. It is rather disheartening to know that I could not give her a better life when she was around and in death, I could NOT do a single thing for her.

Some of you may be thinking that at this age, why am I so “old-fashioned” and superstitious. I cannot really say but one thing I know for sure is that I feel closer to my roots this way. That is what that defines me, as a Chinese. We are losing a rich part of our culture as time goes by and it is really a shame. I got to find ways to educate my son on our culture and the important values that come with it. What the younger generation are missing out they will never know.

I am going off topic. Going back to the main subject. Last night was the last days of the Seventh month, and she finally came to me. I knew that she did. I wasted no time in committing this to my memory the moment I woke up because the nature of dreams is such that they fade away before we realize. In fact I am scribbling this on my note pad as I walk to the bus stop for work... 

I immediately realized that I was on a trip with my family. Somehow I find the landscape changed. It has become more rural, or you can say more 70s. We went to a park with a really oldish looking entrance with three Chinese characters displayed at the top. I reckoned that this could be one of those popular places to hang out in the in the old days. I probably have been there myself at so young an age that I have no recollections at all. After that, we walked down this weather-beaten path and wandered into this little "Kampung" (village) area. In the distance I could made out a couple and oddly they seemed to be the only people around. I could still vaguely remember my son squatting at the side and watching the rapid flow of water in the drain. The water was surprisingly as clear as the sky and the place was bright and cool. I felt good and rejuvenated as I took in the surrounding scene. All this while, I knew that the rest of my family was standing nearby. Strange enough, I can “feel” another very familiar presence among our midst but could not pinpoint it.

All of a sudden, I was whisked back to my old home. And with uncanny similarity, THERE was a group of people but this time I was chatting with one of them in my own room. These folks seem very familiar to me and at the same time foreign. It is as if I know them but don’t know them. I know it sounds kind of weird but that was how I felt. I remembered gesturing that I am going out and as I turned around after locking the gate, there she was again. As peaceful as I last seen her. There was a hint of understanding in her eyes. And as hard as I try, I could not reach out to her. 

And cruelly, I was jolted wide awake by the alarm bell in the shape of my son's foot (in my face). Why do kids fidget so much when they sleep nowadays!? 

Everyday I yields to see her one more time and was only granted a split second, sigh.. Nevertheless, I am grateful to see her in the best of circumstances. For that, I am content and life seems a bit brighter today :) 

Miss you...

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聽媽媽的話 (Did you?)

小朋友　你是否有很多問號　為什麼
別人在那看漫畫　我卻在學畫畫　對著鋼琴說話
別人在玩遊戲　我卻靠在牆壁背我的ABC
我說我要一台大大的飛機　我卻得到一台舊舊錄音機
為什麼　要聽媽媽的話　長大後你就會開始懂得這種話
長大後我開始明白　為什麼我跑的比別人快　飛的比別人高
將來大家看的都是我畫的漫畫　大家唱的都是　我寫的歌
媽媽的辛苦　不讓你看見　溫暖的食譜在她心裡面
有空就多多握握她的手　把手牽著一起夢遊
聽媽媽的話　別讓她受傷　想快快長大　才能保護她
美麗的白髮　幸福中發芽　天使的魔法　溫暖中慈祥
在你的未來　音樂是你的王牌　拿王牌談個戀愛
唉　我不想把你教壞　還是聽媽媽的話吧　晚點在戀愛吧
我知道你未來的路　當媽比我更清楚
你會開始學其他同學在書包寫東寫西
但我建議你最好寫　媽媽我會用功讀書
用功讀書　怎麼會從我嘴巴說出
不想你輸所以要教你　用功讀書
媽媽織給你的毛衣　你要好好收著
因為母親節到時我要告訴她　我還留著
對了　我會遇到了周潤發
所以你可以跟同學炫耀　賭神未來是你爸爸
我找不到童年寫的情書　你寫完不要送人
因為過兩天你會在操場上撿到
你會開始喜歡上流行歌　因為張學友開始準備唱吻別
聽媽媽的話　別讓她受傷　想快快長大　才能保護她

Why kids don't listen? You and I was one. And we all know better :) Looking back, I realized I was quite a brat. Running away from home, getting into fights and a lot of other "naughty" stuff. I guess we get our thrills by doing all these. Back then, we do not understand there are rules to follow and consequences to bear. But what I did not realized was my actions hurt the people we love most, our parents.

As a parent now, I am beginning to understand how my parents felt, in particularly how my MUM felt. I felt that she was always suffering in silence all the while. If only I was more understanding and caring. At least I can brighten her day a bit.

Well, the chance is gone now. And I am left to rue what I should have done earlier. I will have to carry on with my life knowing that I could have love her more and be there for her more often. If only...  As a dad, I have the duty to take care of my children. But as a Son, I cannot fulfilled my duty in this lifetime. I promise I will make it up to you, but you gotta wait for awhile, mum...

Love.

 

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Mother's Day

This would have been her day.

- I want to bring her out for a good meal.
- I want to bring her out for a movie (something she have not done for many many years)
- I want to give her a really nice present.
- I want to tell her my second little one is on the way.
- I want to but I know I can't.

- Because she had to leave first.
- Because she was tired.
- Because she had no choice.

Wherever she is, whatever she is doing,  I hope she hear this, that I thank her for bringing us up, taking care of us, worry for us, cried for us and even fight for us. If I am given a chance now, I will say "I love you".

Thanks for being my mum.

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This Chinese New Year...

In my younger days, Chinese New Year (CNY) is always something I look forward to. You get to wear new clothes, eat lots of goodies and best of all, collect red packets (Ang Baos). And it is also the time when you catch up with your cousins and other relatives. Those were the good days. Carefree and happy.

However, times have changed. I don't feel that enthusiasm in the air anymore. The joyful feeling of anticipation and waiting for CNY has faded over the years. The streets are more quiet, I guess lesser people do visiting now. No children running about playing fire crackers and hide and seek. The neighborhood is quiet.Very deserted... Very lonely... 

I just realized I have never keep in contact with any relatives even when one is just blocks away. I am ashamed of myself of course. Thought that I should put in more effort... But I am the weirdo who keep to myself and they call me anti-social. And no, it has nothing to do with this hobby, I assure you :)

I want to show my son about the Chinese customs but it dawn on me I know very little about our culture. I am beginning to feel that we are deviating too far away from our roots. I used to dread going to temples because I felt that it was a waste of time etc. Now I feel that I am part of this culture, something i am proud of. If only my mum is still here. I would never disappoint her for not going to the temple with her. I wouldn't... Now all I can do is to visit her at the temple. Whenever I am there, I would sit in one corner hoping she was beside me and knowing how much I miss her. 

At the table during reunion dinner, I would stare at the seat she will be sitting. Memories keep flooding back. These dinners are not the same without her anymore.

I have moved on. Not that I have a choice. Everyone has a role to play and I have to play mine dutifully. And I will go on as long as it takes. 

Once again. Forever I miss you.   mum...

 

   

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Downcast

For the past two months, it's all rainy and cold. When I looked out of the window, I always see dark clouds looming in the horizon. Somehow, I find this very comforting but at the same time, I feel a void so vast that I'm afraid I will cave in.

After all this time, I finally realised something, time does not lessen the pain of losing your loved one, it merely buries it deep down in the recesses of one's heart. Sometimes these emotions will burst out and as if the floodgates have opened suddenly. These raw, crippling and negative feelings hit me with the such force , it might as well be a tsunami. I felt that I was stuck this endless cycle of the day I lose my mum, over and over again. I find it utterly pointless to cry now. In fact, I think I ran out of tears.

I think missing someone is really tough. Every single night when I lay on my bed, I keep blaming whoever is up there for taking her away from me. I really wanted her to be with me at every point of my life and my son's. I always wanted to hold her hands but never dared to...

Now I only have memories of her. But I am frightened that as I grow older, they too will fail me... Life is cruel. She has never ask for much, she has never complained. She endured great hardships in her younger days. And in the end, what did she get? If I say it is unfair, then I am being inconsiderate to many people who are much more unfortunate than her and still suffering. But I am not that noble. I just want her back...

Well I have already made up my mind. I'm pretty sure she is waiting for me somewhere. When I am done here, I will gladly go to her. In time,yes but not so soon.... I have to go to work tomorrow... (...sian 1/2...)

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